Most Chicago Residents Have Never Been Murdered By Guns
Shocked Christian Stands Before Allah on Judgment Day
GOP Ecstatic After Latest Diversity Outreach Event Ends in Only Two Cross Burnings
Disease Sufferers Launch New Dating Website, We-bola
Craigslist introduces new section: "Journalism (gigs/unpaid)"
Israel Defenseless Against Palestinian Photobombs
Area Man Sues The Onion For 'Blatant Longstanding Bias' Against Area Men
Overzealous Security Guard Forcibly Removes Jesus From Middle School
God Getting Really Pissed at Constant Use of OMG
Noam Chomsky Screams "No Commercial Is Relevant To Me!" at
New Assassination Report: Texas Killed Kennedy And Would Do It Again
Jamie Dimon Pays Massive Bribe To Government To Avoid Jail For Massive Crimes
Film Critic Lucky Steven Seagal Doesn’t Know What Corpulent Means
Inside British Sewers, Test-Tube Burger Turns Into Fully Formed Cow-Thing
Premiere Set For Animated LGBT Fashion Reality Competition, "Adamant Sleeve"
North Carolina Outlaws Being African-American
Insane Brits Celebrate Birth of Tiny Parasite Who Will Suck Their Blood For Most of Next Century
In effort to soften War On Terror, Obama renames executive-ordered drone strikes, "Death By Chocoloate"
New Pope Updates Facebook Relationship Status to 'Infallible'
Man Swears He Saw Guy at New Girlfriend's Party Who Was in Porn Video
Branch Davidians Wonder if David Koresh Will Ever Return
Straight Couple Fights to Adopt Gay Baby
Tim Tebow second guessing decision to turn his life over to Satan
Jesus Returns, Is Immediately Shot Dead
Dumb kid with huge dick gets straight A's
In New Memoir, God Reveals He Tried to Talk Mary into Having Abortion
Kurt Cobain Almost 19 Years Sober
Hyundai Recalls All its Vehicles
Petition Demanding Obama Undergo Spine Replacement Surgery Crashes White House Website
Mental Health Professionals Deeply Concerned that Earth is Bipolar
Obama Considering Drone Strike On Wayne LaPierre
Ghost of Alzheimer's Patient Haunting The Wrong House
Brave Congressman Restores Dignity to Racial Slur
Cardinals Admit They Got Pope Choice Wrong
Ex-CIA Operative Wishes He Had Learned Just A Little Arabic
Female MMA Fighter Pretty Handy In The Kitchen, Too
Everyone Sues To Block Release Of Donald Trump Sex Video
Driver Killed In Single-Car Accident After Failing To "Check Himself"
Girl Scouts Of America Body Paint Calendar Sets Sales Record
Amid Rising Food Prices, Americans Have Trouble Maintaining Nation's Obesity Standard
Method Actor Kills Himself To Prepare For Guest Role On The Walking Dead
North Korean Media Report Kim Jong Un Much Taller Than Dennis Rodman
Predator Drones Slowly Circling Sofia Vergara's House
After Watching "Roots" For The First Time, President Obama Sees America In A Whole New Light
Beyonce Escapes From Laboratory, On The Loose In NYC
Lone Soldier From Future Forgets Name Of Woman He's Been Sent To Protect
Vatican Officials Frantically Scour Their Ranks For Papal Candidate Who Hasn’t Molested Anyone
Assault Weapons Sales Spike Ahead of Walking Dead Season Premiere
Budget Cuts Force Defense Department To Consider Literal "Army Of One"
World's Most Accurate Elvis Impersonator Just Lays Around Like He's Dead
Iranian Space Monkey Starting To Wonder If He'll Ever Make It Home
NRA Admits Guns Do Kill People After M-4 Assault Rifle Escapes Armory, Strangles Hooker
Last Surviving Hitler Clone Accidentally Joins J-Date
Nation's Deer Peculiarly Silent On Gun Control
Musical Chairs Event at Conjoined Twins Festival Ends Badly
Tom Brady Watches Super Bowl While Receiving Fellatio From Supermodel Wife
Bankrupt Casey Anthony Offers Child Murdering Classes To Raise Cash
In Move To Broaden Voter Base, GOP Endorses Gay Engagements
New Gun-Control Measure Would Defines "Mentally Ill" as "Anyone Who Owns an Assault Rifle and 30-Round Mag"
Police Respond to Silent Alarm at Mime School
Mayans Now Claim World Ends if Les Miserables Wins a Golden Globe
Adolescent Boys Name 'Pussy Riot Behind Bars' Most Misleading Headline of 2012
John Wayne Rolls Over in Grave, Shoots Self in Foot
New Scientology Practice Makes Tom Cruise Appear 6'5" Tall
Mitt Romney Admits He Thought He was Running for "Sexiest Man Alive"
End Of SNL Predicted By Mayan Rudolph Calendar
Vegan Children Afraid Santa Won’t Like Broccoli Cookies
Texas Man Shot In Mexican Health Food Store For Saying "No Whey, Jose"
Jesus Gives First Interview In 2000 Years: "The Last One Was Taken Totally Out Of Context"
Eastern European States Catatonia, Bulimia and Dyslexia Admitted to EU
Study Find Porn Stars Happier Than Porn Stunt Doubles
Hugh Laurie Back in Language School Learning to Speak With English Accent
Florida Endorses Alzheimlicher Maneuver Designed To Save Seniors Who've Forgotten What They're Choking On
Soldier Pretends To Be Killed In Action, Surprises Son At Funeral
Study: Killing Two Birds With One Stone An Early Sign Of Homicidal Behavior
Desperate Sesame Street Introduces New Character "Hedge Fund Hippo"
Obama Declares Lindsey Lohan A Disaster Area
Cartoon Of Confucius Causes Riot In Fortune Cookie Factory
High School Teacher Honored For Having Sex With High School Teacher
Decommissioned Auto Plant Robot Shoots Three Computers
Poll: 89% of Pigs Regret Being Delicious
God Just Needs A Little Space From Fanatic Christian
Kindergartner Suspended From School For Telling Grape Joke
Study shows you can get blood from a stone if you throw it at someone's head
Bears no longer shit in the woods. So watch out
New York May Decriminalize Being Black and Cool
Chris Christie Denies Climate Change Because He Can Float
Pope Benedict XVI Condemns Biology as "Unnatural"
Black Child Goes Missing, Wait, I Mean WHITE CHILD GOES MISSING!!!
CIA Redacts Entire US Constitution
Porn Producers Decry Lack Of Quality Hollywood Movies To Parody
GOP: Sandy Perfect Time for Romney Small Plane Crash, Ryan Election via Sympathy Vote
Romney Tells Grandkids Humpty Dumpty Could Have Been Saved By Private Sector
Expected To Become Hurricane, Tropical Storm Ernesto Shocks All By Becoming Dancer
Mayans anxiously await Ohio recount
New Study Finds Most Aluminum Foil Now Being Used For Hats
Kim Jong Un Bans All Games Except Kim Jong Uno
Most Popular Cayman Islands Tax Shelter Run By Woman Named Charity
Romney Asks White Americans To Imagine Obama Having Sex With Their Sisters
Assassin Hunting Innocence Of Muslims Director Offers To Throw In Michael Bay For Free
Romney Impersonator Ahead Of Romney In New Poll
Department of Education Releases 12 New Punctuation Marks For Emoticons
Tim Tebow Plans To Enter Politics After Third Concussion
Republican Platform Scrapped For Lyrics To “Take Me Out To The Ball Game”
“Mitt” Drops To Second As Most Popular Name For Baseball Glove Behind “Glove”
Widespread Summer Tanning Results In Record Number Of Arrests
Young Republicans start selling PersonHoodies: Sweatsuits for the unborn
Lightning Kills One At NASCAR Event; Diabetes Unimpressed
Jerry Sandusky Fired From Prison Kitchen After Fondling Baby Carrots
Ann Romney's Horse Now Training To Eat Tax Returns
Obama Authorizes Drone Attack On Biden's Tongue
Romney Still Appears 2-D in 3-D Movie
Number One Password Is Now "MITTSUX"
Mars Rover Refuses To Talk To Anyone But Siri
Drought Make Greenwich Mean Time Even Meaner
Underage Millionaire Uses Fake Voter ID To Buy Congressman
Americans Win Gold In Pie-Eating
Obama Extends Bush-era program to weaponize TV with "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo"
Gynecology Web Site Shut Down By Denial Of Cervix Attack
Study Shows Mere Desire to Read War And Peace Makes You More Literate
Biological Clock Stops Ticking
Nation Fondly Recalls Those Times It Went To Space
Next Person To Ask, "What shall we do for dinner?" Will Be Given Death Penalty.
Romney Asks Bain To Look Into Companies Working On Time Machine
Local LGBT Alliance Spends Entire Meeting Excluding Albinos
Chick-Fil-A Says "Cathy" Is Not a Gay Last Name
Mitt Romney Insists He Identifies with All Races… Apologizes to Racists
Wendy's Has Finally Found the Beef
New Mayan Calendar Predicts End Of Major League Baseball Season
Charlie Sheen To Play Centaur In "And A Half Men"
Confused Man On Bath Salts Found Eating Faces Off Of Clocks
Muslim Brotherhood Admits It Fears Baldwin Brotherhood
Greta Van Sustern Comes Out As Female
Romney Picks Siri as Veep
Glenn Beck Blames Obama For Creating Less Jobs For Voices In His Head
Natural Causes Kill Thirty Thousand Putin Opponents Simultaneously
Trending "Fidel Castro" Hashtag Gets CIA Director's Hopes Up
Jinny Thomas' Coke Can Quietly Slips Out Back Door
CNN and FoxNews Seek Cure for Premature Adjudication
Liberals Excited to Have Unprotected Sex Again
Spain-Portugal Soccer Match Closer Than Indicated By 0-0 Score
Flesh Eating Virus That Attacked Rush Limbaugh Develops Diabetes
Congress Demands Verizon Explain The Difference In All These Droid Phones
Somali Pirates Win African World Series
Congressional Republicans Want Food Stamp Recipients To Walk Through Gaydar Detector
Sandusky, Ohio Changes Name To "Not That Sandusky"
God Finds Cure to Man
Jeb Bush Says He's The Smart Romney Brother Too
Nobels Worth 20% Less, Women to Earn More Prizes
Copy Editor with Amnesia Something Something Something Deadline
Millions Sober After Tony Awards Drinking Game
Boob Job Outsourced to India
Neighborhood Built on Ancient Amish Burial Ground Overrun by Polite, Productive Poltergeists
Couple's Custom Wedding Vows Make Unsettlingly Frequent Use of the Word "Crawlspace"
Apple Kills Ouija Board App After Steve Jobs Sends Message Apologizing For Sweatshops
Pulitzer Prize Offered For Explanation Of "Prometheus"
Drone Kills Al-Qaeda Leader After Connecting In Atlanta
Civil War Re-Enactors Enlist In Syrian Civil War
Proposal Would Shift Greek Currency from Drachma to Popular Yogurt
NRA Wants To Replace Concealed Carry With All-You-Can-Carry
Obama Says "Kill List" Just For Scaring Daughters' Boyfriends
Egyptian Election Marred by Fairness
Jamie Dimon Joins Tibetan Monastery After Hearing Sound Of One Invisible Hand Clapping
Al Jazeera Names Barack Obama "First Gay Hussein"
Romney Promises Rich Christian Supporters Huge Needles And Tiny Camels
Religious Historian Traces Origin Of Quakers To Fracking
Full Cavity Search During Supreme Court Security Check Dislodges Justice Thomas from inside Justice Scalia
Dick Cheney's Heart Applies For Political Asylum
Olympic Flame Kidnapped By Greeks Without Heat
Mexican Bank Closes After Finding Coins With No Heads
Wax Museum Find Prince Phillip's Handprint On Duchess Kate's Bum
Romney Campaign Blocks Reporters Not Wearing Fedoras With "Press" Cards In Band
George Zimmerman Goes Back in Time to Shoot MLK, Scrapes Own Head, Claims Self-Defense
Greece Averts Latest Financial Meltdown By Banning Gay Marriage
Obama Prepares "I Got Kony" Speech
Romney Gives Commencement Address At Barber College, Denies His Well-Coiffed Roots
Yahoo! Resume-Writing Vertical Recalls 100,000 Faulty Resumes
OctoMom to Breastfeed All 8 Kids for TIME, Get Paid $35.64
Bin Laden Hologram Wows At Al Quaeda Music Festival
Iranian Linguists Just Five Years Away from Acquiring Mnemonic Device
Al Gore Found at North Pole With Matches, Blowtorch
So-Called "Boothers" Insist Lincoln Assassin Was Framed
Girl With Terminal Cancer Hopes To Have Sex To Avoid Suicide Bombers In Heaven
Wisconsin Legislature to Repeal Second Law of Thermodynamics
Romney Criticizes Obama for Being a Wall Street Mormon with a Wife Named Ann
Tennessee Passes Law Replacing Sex Ed with a Stiff Whack in the Groin with a King James Bible
George Zimmerman to Appear on Dancing With The Stars
Trophy Wife Escapes from Display Case
May 8th is Bring Your Daughter's Gun to Work Day
Predator Drone Thinks Its Mission is to Keep Afghans from Getting Married
Secret Service Officials Fondly Reminisce About Clinton Years
Ted Nugent Also Says He'll Die If Philip Loses American Idol
Despite His Death, Dick Clark Will Continue to Co-Host 'New Year's Rockin' Eve'
Cochlear Implants Finally Allow Deaf Man to Hate Fran Drescher
Threesome Devolves Into Twosome, Onesome
Robot Uprising Thwarted by Shortage of Extension Cords
72 Dead, Hundreds Injured at First Annual Quiet Shy Loner Convention
New Jersey's Top Scientist Warns Women Developing Resistance to Axe Body Spray
Leg-Humping Dog Thinks of Itself as "Man's Best Friend with Benefits"
Majority Of Middle Class Willing To Pay Higher Taxes As Long As President Gets Back To Being White
Despite Religious Beliefs, Santorum Aborts Campaign
School Bully Cries, "This Is My Passion, Please Don't Let Them Take It Away."
Bored Academic Erases Memory to Relearn Everything
Proposal to Open Chick-Fil-A on Sundays Splits Evangelicals and Obese Evangelicals
Study Finds Majority of Americans' Only Exercise Comes from Unwrapping Cheese Singles
Faulty Crib Recalled from Everywhere Except New Jersey
Europe a Festering Cesspool of Anti-Semitism, Says AIPAC
AIPAC a Festering Cesspool of Warmongers, Says Europe
Iran Proposes Compromise Where They Nuke Just A Half Of Israel
Santorum Vows to Replace Porn with Wholesome, Educational Founding Fathers Snuff Film
George Lucas and Metallica To Collaborate, See If They Can Get Even Worse
Ron Paul Strong Favorite in Upcoming Caucus on the Island of Misfit Toys
California Law Requiring Condoms In Pornography Expected To Revolutionize The Way Porn Stars Move To Nevada
Joseph Kony to Retain Control of Army of African Boys After Intense Custody Battle with Angelina Jolie
Aids Prevention Video Goes Viral
Study: Rising Gas Prices Forcing More People To Whine Like Bitches
Tim Tebow Suddenly Regrets Healing Peyton Manning's Neck
GOP Blasts Obama For Horrible NCAA Picks
Bin Laden Seconds Away From Curing Cancer When He Was Killed
US Soldier Claims He Was Beta Testing Grand Theft Auto Khandahar, Mistook Civilians for Hookers
Polls Show Majority Of Heterosexual Men Have No Problem With Sluts
Escalation of Violence in Afghanistan Leads Some in Washington To Conclude that "The people over there just don't like us."
Joan Rivers Joins Cast Of The Walking Dead
Despite Sharp Reductions in News Coverage, Events Continue to Transpire
Santorum Says Cucumbers are Male Vegetables; Should be Bagged Separately from Female Vegetables like Tomatoes
ACLU Free Speech Unit Sues to Rename Father's Day Motherfucker's Day - Court Challenge by Mothers Seen Likely
Cauliflornication: A Guide to Vegan Aphrodisiacs
Virginia Law Requires Women To Knit Tiny Booties Prior To Getting Abortion
New iPad 3 Trying To Kill John Connor
Registering to vote now a felony in southern states
First Amendment To Syrian Constitution Establishes The Right To Kill The Shit Out Of People
Nation's Copy Editors Hold Rally Calling For Retirement of Novak Djokovic
Besieged rebels in Myanmar claim to have oil, hope U.S. will invade
Environmental Disaster: Without advertisers, Rush Limbaugh to talk for three hours straight, raising global temperature 2 degrees
Al Jazeera premieres new sketch comedy show, "MujaHAHAjadeen"
Islamic extremists violently react to criticism of Islamic extremists reacting violently to earlier criticism of Islamic extremists violently reacting.
Government officials pry open Bradley Manning's mouth to make him say he's not being tortured.
UN declares that Palestinians are an invented people... as are Israelis, Americans, Iraqis, Canadians, Soviets and Autobots.
Born on Feb 29th, Convicted Arsonist Won't Be Eligible For Parole Until He's Nine
Alabama Personhood Bill Says Life Begins At First Utterance Of The N-Word
Kentucky Successfully Outlaws Legislation
Study: Nationwide Strike In Greece Slightly Increases Greek Productivity
Relationship Between Israel and Iran Hits Record Level of Unresolved Sexual Tension
FoxConn To Pay Newly Hired Factory Workers Exclusively In Apps
In Image Makeover For The 21st Century, Fannie Mae To Change Its Name to Olivia Chloe
Syrian Police Bludgeon Demonstrators, Ask Them "Why Are You Bludgeoning Yourself?"
Romney Politely Asks American Economy To Wait Just One More Year Before Improving
Elite Private School to Cultivate Diversity by Admitting Fewer Dumb Rich Kids
Female Suicide Bombers Now Earn As Much As Male Counterparts Headline For Nowitzki Game Winner - "Hitler With Your Best Shot" - Wins A Shorty Award
Menstruation to Be Capital Crime in Virginia Under New Personhood Law
Nation's Bigots, Alarmed by Wave of Same-Sex Marriage Victories, Demand Equal Protection
White House Very Disappointed in Israel's Behavior
West Virginians Vote to Legalize Medicinal Crystal Meth
Study: The Larger the Woman, the Smaller the Dog
20 Years Later, Cupid Still Haunted By Julia Roberts, Lyle Lovett Misfire - rh
After Euro Downgrades, Moody's Give Itself AAA Rating As Credit Rating Downgrader
Israel Vows to Hold Breath Until It Turns Blue If It Can't Bomb Iran
Hateful Boring Cinnamon Declared The Beige of Spices
Santorum Blasts Obama Budget For Spending "Two Much On Education" - rh
Rest of Country Hints It Might Go Along With It if South Seceded From Union Again.
Study: Being A Loser Increases Risk Of Depression - jw
Responding to Demand, US Opens A Rappers-Only Prison
Republicans Promise to Withdraw Troops from War on Religion and Add Them to War on Islam
Anonymous White House sources confirm that people are goddamned idiots.
Protesters at Occupy Rochester are finally noticed, pepper-sprayed.
Europe holds close-out sale - rugs, manuscripts, crown jewels, Ikea - everything must go!
Greece Celebrates Fifth Consecutive Week of Not Quite Ruining World Economy - jw
Rick Santorum says religious beliefs prevent him from aborting campaign.
Poll reveals that the very poor are not concerned about Mitt Romney.
Barnes & Noble To Spin Off Bookstore Division - jw
Internet hackers develop immense political power, lose interest in it nine seconds later.
Human Rights Monitors in Syria Continue Long and Honorable Tradition of Useless Human Rights Monitoring - jw
Drones Being Used to Evict Foreclosed Families, Sheriffs Face Job Cuts - df & jr
17 Year Old Mother of Triplets Looks 47: Underage Mom Exposes Secrets to Increasing Stress!
Holding Ron Paul Accountable For Racist Newsletters Is Too Simple, Say Conspiracy Theorists - jw
Ebola Virus Launches own Website, Content Quickly Goes Bacterial
In Rare 7-2 Vote, Fellow Justices Name Scalia the Danny de Vito of Supreme Court
Gruntled Postal Employee Shoots None of Co-workers
Bruce Jenner Googles "Honor Killing," Nods Slowly @fisherkingarmy
New Czar of Human Centipeding promises to lower unemployment by forcing employers to create three positions for every job opening.
Sean Hannity calls for new passport separating "Americans" from "Great Americans"
Iran Develops Iranium, a Non-Aggressive Nuclear Fuel, "So Harmless You Can Eat Off It"
Spiderman Tests Positive For PEDs, suspended for next movie @fisherkingarmy
Gingrich enlarges on moon plans: will encourage gay married couples to move 'off-planet'
iPhone 5 Will Include 50% Longer Battery, 100% More Life-Blood Of Chinese Factory Workers
Mitch McConnell creates Congressional Task Force to search for chin
Steve Jobs introduces the iHarp, produced by slave laborers in Hell
Huffpo Greece Launches, Goes Bankrupt, Is Bailed Out By Le Huffpo and Die Hauffpost
Newt announced jobs plan: Produce and distribute new reality show, "America's Next Top Gingrich Wife"
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Breaks Silence, Adding to Charges Against Julian Assange
Nation's Mothers Demand You See "The Help"
Ron Paul Wonders Why He Even Bothered Burying That Prostitute @fisherkingarmy
Study Shows Americans' Ignorance of Economics Pays Huge Dividends for Visa and Mastercard Shareholders, Presidential Candidates
Responding to Euro Protests, Moody's, S&P Give Themselves AAA Rating As Credit Raters
Bleached white limestone statue of Martin Luther King Jr easily hailing DC cabs
Herman Cain Drives Past Herman Cain For President Yard Sign, Bursts Into Tears @welchjay
In response to the Paula Deen - Diabetes - Novo Nordisk deal, McDonald's & Pfizer announce merger.
Bible Banned in Arizona Under State Law Forbidding Ethnic Studies
Marine command says Taliban "suspects" actually died during revolutionary, new interrogation technique known as Urine-boarding.
Muhammad Ali Releases 70th Birthday Commemorative Bobblehead @fisherkingarmy
Huntsman endorses Romney because he, too, represents the American dream of pulling yourself up by your father's bootstraps.
Italian Captain abandons sinking ship after crash, is appointed honorary Prime Minister.
Nation's department stores celebrate Martin Luther King Day with massive white sales.
Bashar Al-Assad Privately Disappointed He Must Kill So Many People Just To Run Syria @welchjay
Somehow the song won't seem quite as catchy after we find Carmen San Diego's body moldering at the bottom of a grain silo. @apocalypsehow
"We Must Respect The People We Slaughter" - Pentagon, about urinating soldiers. "Why?" - Rick Perry, about that statement... and everything else.
Iran to allow UN Nuclear Inspectors into facilities, followed by immediate show trials and hanging.
Upon hearing it only costs $20,000 to sterilize the poor, RNC re-writes economic platform, seeks Romney's "downsizing" expertise.
Embarrassed Jesus Forgets Tim Tebow's Name In ESPN Interview @fisherkingarmy
Sale of sabers and rattles increase on news that Iran and Syria still exist
FoxNews Likes Jon Huntsman's Name, to License It For Handsome Anchor @chokeonem
In Vegas, Consumer Electronics Show and Adult Video Expo attendees accidentally swap tickets, cannot tell the difference
North Korean Press Secretary: Kim Jong Il's Rotting Corpse Dating Carmen Electra @fisherkingarmy
The GOP is so splintered, they should be fielding a nominee to run for President of the United States of Tara. @apocalypsehow
Michelle Bachmann withdraws from campaign to spend more time counting her children
Iowa GOP Voter: "We want a government so small, it only restricts itself to our genitals." #SantorumPaul2012 @ApocalypseHow
Romney's victory signals official start of his failed 2016 and 2020 presidential campaigns
McCain endorses Romney for President, Gingrich for marriage counselor
Survey says Latino voters sticking close to Obama, because he's the only one who knows where he sent their parents.
NY Times accidentally sends out 2nd poorly written, opinionated, prejudiced and unresearched e-communication. This time, it's the Friday Edition of the New York Times.
Kelly Clarkson endorses Ron Paul; no word yet on whether this will be offensive to her African-American fan. - @johnfugelsang
Iran threatens to close the Strait of Hormuz, U.S. threatens to tell its citizens where that is.
Durban Protocols To Replace Kyoto Protocols As A Thing You Feel Bad About Not Understanding - @welchjay
Alex Rodriguez goes to Germany for knee therapy, Angela Merkel forces Greece to pay for it.
Missouri's now America's meth capitol. New MO State Bird: "The Toothless-Yet-Highly-Efficient Bluebird" - @apocalypsehow
Pepper Spray Manufacturers Have Mixed Feelings About Their Record Annual Profits - @welchjay