Ex-Prime Minister Lady Margaret Thatcher will be laid to rest today after ten days of violent controversy over her legacy.
Ordinary working people have been celebrating her death with signs like “Good Riddance Attila the Hen!” and singing “Ding Dong - The Bitch Is Dead!” The ruling rightwing Tories condemned the demonstrations as “treason”, claiming Thatcher was as important a political figure as Churchill.
In fact - The Final Edition has learned - within seconds of her fatal stroke, Thatcher’s immortal soul was whisked to its inevitable destination, Hell. Then something unprecedented in the annals of eternal torment took place.
Satan’s Director of Infernal Affairs, Beelzebub, described what happened: “We were really excited about getting Mrs Thatcher. Her wonderfully vile and cruel policies led to hundreds of millions of people all over the planet being robbed blind by tiny ruling classes of pornographically wealthy people! Here was a global celebrity of rapacious greed and vicious classism!”
“But as soon as she came through the Gates of Fire she started in. There’s too many demons per soul! We have to fire two out of every three! Privatize ALL Nine Circles! Run them at a profit! Release all the lawyers in the Eighth Circle, chained up to their necks in molten dogshit and make them work out the details! Unbearable! She had to go!”
Hell’s Eternally Damned Advisory Board - Saddam Hussein, Mother Teresa, Sweeney Todd, Eva Braun, Pol Pot and Ronald Reagan - ruled that Mrs Thatcher be cast forth from Hell for all eternity. As Mr Reagan put it: “If SHE stays - abandon hope all we who have entered here!”
Since Earth doesn’t want her back, Mrs Thatcher is now condemned to wander the dark and trackless wastes of space utterly alone, ignored, unloved, irrelevant and despised, until the end of time. And then some.