Roger Ailes, the powerful head of Fox News, has decided to give up his attempts to create a viable Republican presidential candidate, and will become President of the United States himself, according to a bathroom mirror aware of his deliberations. The mirror spoke anonymously for fear of being smashed by Mr. Ailes.
"Palin's an idiot, Gingrich is a delusional gasbag pussy hound, and Romney couldn't sell umbrellas in a shitstorm," said the 71 year old cable new innovator, as he stared blearily at his unshaven face yesterday morning. "Doesn't anybody here know how to play this game? Besides me?"
Over the last decade, Fox News has become itself an important player in Republican politics, advancing causes and candidates that fit the agenda of Mr. Ailes and his equally conservative boss, Rupert Murdoch. The "Fox News effect," as analysts call it, contributed to the rise of the Tea Party, the Republican victories in the 2010 midterm elections, and the fact that 17% of Americans believe that President Obama was not born in the United States, as well as other ridiculous bullshit. Mr. Ailes, according to the mirror, has decided to leverage that power to his own benefit.
"Fuck it. I got Nixon elected, and he was a paranoid alcoholic with jowls worse than mine," Ailes muttered into his reflection, as he tried to find an angle of view of his face that was not entirely repulsive. "If I could convince all those dumb white people that the New Black Panther Party was coming for their virgin daughters, I can get 70 million votes or so without breaking a sweat."
Ailes then raised his chin, looked into the mirror, and said, "My fellow Americans... hold on to your seatbelts, because we're about to bomb the living fuck out of Iran." Then he laughed, and began to shave.