Tony Perkins, head of the Washington-based “Focus on the Family” conservative lobbying organization, said today in a statement that while male homosexuality is still an affront to God and a threat to Western Civilization, female homosexuality may be acceptable in some contexts, as long as the women in question were young, physically attractive, and wearing high heeled shoes.
“I was consulting Scriptures, as I often do,” said Mr. Perkins. “And as I was perusing the verse in Leviticus that condemns homosexuals to death, I noticed that it only refers to ‘men who lie with mankind, as he lies with a woman.’ The Almighty says nothing about women who lie with women, especially really fit young women with large firm breasts and great hair.”
“Society evolves, even if humans did not,” Perkins went on. “And if our conservative movement is to remain relevant, we must accept that attitudes can change. So, while we still believe that those ugly, fat butch type Lesbians with short hair and denim jackets are an affront to all that is holy, if two beautiful young women wearing lingerie find themselves hungering for a man’s touch, but have nothing to relieve their ache but each other and a selection of toys, I think God understands, and we must as well.”
"It would also be okay,” he added, running into Focus on the Family’s media room, as reporters prepared to leave with his written statement, “if a pair of young girlfriends, obviously 18 or over, but maybe still wearing schoolgirl uniforms, were to try to explore their curiosity about sexuality with each other, but only if the cinematography were really top-class. Top-class.”
“And by the way," he said, turning to leave the room, “Whatever they look like, they still can’t get married. That would be gross.”