In the wake of his momentous washing of two women’s feet on Holy Thursday last week Pope Francis 1st further stunned traditionalist Catholics yesterday when he announced that he intends to marry a Brazilian transgender man named Joan (HO-WAN) when he visits Brazil in July. Fellow Jesuits on the Pope’s staff met Joan on the popular Brazilian dating site BrazilCupid.com last week and pronounced him papabile or “Popeworthy” The happy couple will be known simply as Mr Francis and Mrs Joan Pope.
Surprisingly, hard-line conservative Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York welcomed the new Pontiff’s radical move: “This says to homosexual Catholics everywhere but especially in his native Argentina, where regrettably same-sex marriage is legal, that he gets it. At the same time he’s telling straight lay-people that a married clergy is OK – at least for Popes. And - he won’t be bucking the Catholic hierarchy because, in the eyes of God, Joan is still a woman!”
Jesuit Superior General Adolfo Nicolas greeted the Pope’s move as an “inspired solution to the social and sexual challenges the Church faces. It displays the very finest workings of the Jesuit mind.”
Not all reaction was positive. An anonymous source in The Vatican’s powerful but little-known Office for The Prevention of Progress said that “like other unreliable Popes whose reigns ended abruptly, e.g. John 23rd and John Paul 1st, the Holy Father may have to be ‘cielofied’ (from the Italian 'cielo' = Heaven), or transitioned prematurely to the next life. Cielofication is frequently the first step to sainthood.