Scientists at the Leonard Alfred Schneider Botanical Institute in Tel Aviv announced today that extensive research over two decades has conclusively established that Palestinians are a “unique genus of ambulatory plant-life” and not as informal Israeli policy has assumed them to be for years, a large species of insect.
The announcement may complicate the global push for official UN recognition of Palestinian statehood which begins when the UN convenes Sept 21st. Prime Minister Netanyahu of Israel welcomed the findings, saying: “They’re a huge step forward for Palestinians. Plants are a crucial part of our global environment. Who can breathe without plants? Plants deserve respect. Insects - who cares?”
But added Mr Netanyahu, chuckling at the thought: “How can plants have a nation? What are they going to call it? Rutabagaland? Zucchinistan? Cucumberia?”
The sentiment was echoed by conservative think-tanks and blogs in the US that oppose any official recognition of Palestinian statehood. A Heritage Foundation press release said the issue was not the ‘upgrade’ of Palestinian life-forms from insect to plant, but just how toxic the plant might be to neighboring life-forms. ‘Palestinians have a documented ability to root themselves in any kind of terrain and spread voraciously, destroying everything in their path. The issue is: are they plants? Or weeds?’
The American Enterprise Institute took a harder line pointing out in an internal review that the study ‘finally annihilates’ the progressive contention that Palestinians have rights of any kind. ‘Plants do not have rights, including but not limited to, property rights, right of assembly, free speech, freedom of religion, right to privacy, due process, the right to an attorney or the rights of combatants. The authors of the Geneva Conventions on Human Rights, wrote their rules for humans, not weeds. We are under no obligation to observe the rules of war for a species without rights, nor do we have any criminal liability for our actions towards them, whether the court’s in Virginia or the Hague.’
The Schneider study was peer-reviewed by the Dinesh D’Souza Institute of Neo-Eugenics at West Texas Christian University, the Adolf Coors Center for the Study of Hairy Peoples in Boulder Colorado and Charles Murray.