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Markets Refuse to Slump on News of Times Demise

Markets Refuse to Slump on News of Times Demise

US stocks moved sharply higher today despite the total immolation of the New York Times, one of the oldest, most respected news organizations in the world.

While many might have expected the market - and potentially the rule of law - to collapse at the loss of the “Newspaper of Record,” the Dow Jones Industrial Average rocketed 128 points, or 2.1%, at 12,463 in heavy trading on Thursday.

Noted liberal and hedge fund manager George Soros was remarkably upbeat “Obviously it’s a terrible loss,” he said. “For society, I mean. I’ve been short the Times (NYSE:NYT) for ten years. I could literally build a castle out of money with the profits. Seriously, I could build a full-sized castle out of stacks of money and people it with money-nobles: dukes, lords, minstrels...there would be intrigue and scandal, of that I can assure you.”

Despite the fundamental hobbling of democracy inherent in the loss of such an influential source of accountability, shares of DineEquity (NYSE:DIN) - owner of such franchises as Applebee’s and the International House of Pancakes - were up 5.4% to $52.11. President and CEO Julia Stewart gushed “At ‘Bees we’re seeing remarkable traction with our new line of appeteasers, and we’ve dropped our costs dramatically by switching to industrial grade D meat, which is still technically meat. But who’s going to do an expose on that now,” she laughed “the Wall St. Journal? Puh-lease.”

And while stock of News Corporation (NASDAQ:NWSA) was up 8% to $18.42, Roger Ailes, president of the Fox News Channel, was staid in his response. “Nobody likes to see a competitor go down this way,” he stated, “nobody except this guy!” He then pulled off his shirt, let out an enormous “Yippee!” and leapt into a makeshift vat of chocolate pudding that had been hastily constructed by jubilant NewsCorp employees.

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