I’ll try keep this one brief.
It’s not often one gets a second chance to right one’s wrongs; and, as per Messrs. Murdoch & Hannity, I’m taking this opportunity to make an amends to you, the reader.
When Mr. Murdoch was planning to take over this paper, he privately phoned my Princeton faculty office to inform me of his wish that I remain on the Times’ Editorial Staff. When I politely told him I’d rather engage in conjugal relations with the reanimated corpse of Ayn Rand, he assured me that he always gets what he wants; and that said tryst could, in fact, be arranged.
One month later, as I stare out the window of my new office as Junior Economics T.A. here at SUNY New Paltz, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude at the chance to renounce all previous works published in this space.
Over the past decade I’ve willfully distorted crucial facts about Reaganomics, Derivatives Markets, Entitlement Reform, the Paul Ryan plan to save Medicare, the Coolidge & Hoover presidencies, NAFTA, Machiavelli, and the quality of Kid Rock’s music. I humbly confess to Class Warfare through an unbalanced bias towards tested economic models and the bottom 90% of the population.
So from this column forward I pledge to defend the Financial Institutions I have so egregiously disparaged; as they are in no way responsible for the Housing Crisis, Wall Street Meltdown, & the disappearance of the middle class. Those calamities, like 9/11, are the collective fault of Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, the Kennedy Family, Michael Moore, undocumented Mexican migrant workers and Gay people who want to marry.
This new, Pro-American Paul Krugman is not afraid to declare that Tax Cuts for the wealthiest Americans don’t add to deficits, but Planned Parenthood, and certain forms of collective bargaining do.
I’d like to also assert my unreserved enthusiasm for School Vouchers, Health-Care Vouchers, Medicare Vouchers, and the all new doubleplusgood Social Security Privatization Voucher system sponsored by Pharma & Groupon. I’ve notified the Pulitzer committee that I’ll be returning their award & donating all proceeds to Freedom Works’ Tea Party Rally shuttle-bus program.
It bears mention that I’ve also shaved my beard for the first time since 1988, heeding Mr. Murdoch’s dictate that facial hair makes his staffers resemble ‘filthy Aboriginals.’ My students say I look thinner.
Finally, I’d like to stress that this change has absolutely nothing to do with my recent dismissal by the new, David Koch-funded Princeton Board of Trustees, any crudely photoshopped images of me with the late Milton Friedman that may have circulated online, or the sudden abduction of my wife, Robin.
Next time, a column on how Chrysler has paid back nearly all of its Government loans, and why this is bad.