PYONGYANG - With no U.N. prohibition on weapons of mass discomfort, strongman Kim Jong Il has used the spectre of a North Korean nuclear program to mask the fact that he is unleashing a virtual bedbug holocaust on the Sealy Posturepedics of America.
C.I.A. satellite spy photo analysts have now confirmed that what had formerly been identified as Kim’s secret nuclear research and development facilities are actually secret underground factories, where thousands of unpaid schoolchildren are forced to fit microscopically tiny scuba masks to bedbugs’ heads and affix flippers to their hind legs on mile-long assembly lines.
In early 2009 these sea-going bedbugs were first sent southward in synchronized swimming teams from North Korea and into the Yellow Sea, to find and clamp themselves onto the undersides of South Korean cargo ships ferrying new Hyndais to various U.S. ports. The first bedbug-laden transport docked at Hoboken, New Jersey that summer, discharging millions of the silent saboteurs to swim the Hudson River, wade ashore on the west side of Manhattan, then scuttle east along 42nd Street and into the heart of Times Square – infesting thousands of rooms in major hotels and triggering a widely reported city-wide bedbug epidemic almost overnight.
It was at then that the New York Times Building was invaded by several thousand pairs of North Korea’s answer to Navy Seals. Access to upper floors was made much easier by Renzo Piano’s trademark ceramic tube screen on the front of the building.
The threat of millions of hitchhiking bedbugs swarming forth from Hoboken, New Orleans, Jacksonville, Long Beach and other major ports to penetrate America’s heartland has America’s military and political leaders in an even more confused than usual state. If not stopped, Kim Jong Il’s evil insect incursion limns a scenario of an U.S.A. so itch-maddened and bite-crazed that North Korea’s nuclear arms program will be forgotten in the ensuing national panic, leaving the bouffant-coiffed midget tyrant in the Chubby Teen-size jumpsuit free to expand his nuclear arsenal undisturbed.
An estimated 40 billion bedbugs were bred in North Korean facilities in the past year, with at least 10.5 million of them deliberately released into the capital city of Pyongyang in a test program using Kim’s own citizenry as guinea pigs. This jibes with CIA findings that sleeplessness is the number-one public health problem in Pyongyang and throughout North Korea – further jibing with recent defectors’ reports that anyone in the bedbug-infested rogue Communist nation who can actually catch forty winks is arrested and charged with sabotage.
Amid the itching-and-biting pandemic, Kim himself is known to sleep in a sterilized isolation chamber, tethered to a revolving spit wreathed in steam and virtually immune to bites and itching.
For more information on the little-known North Korean economy, please click here.