Negotiations over Iran's nuclear program were thrown into chaos yesterday when Iranian President Mahmood Ahmadinejad offered a dramatic proposal regarding Iran's enemy, Israel.
Said Ahmadinejad, "The international community seeks a compromise that would allow Iran to protect its dignity while continuing to allow the hated Zionist state to exist. Iran values compromise, so, instead of wiping it off the map, I propose that Iran will nuke just half of Israel. To show we mean business, we will let Israel pick which half. I sure hope whichever half we get to bomb includes Tel Aviv."
Ahmadinejad's proposal was sharply criticized by nearly all interested parties. Said Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu, "Iran's so-called proposal is ridiculous. Jews are tough now. Has he never seen the movie 'Munich?' Just for floating this compromise, I'm going to kill ten of his scientists with motorcycle assassins."
More surprisingly, most leaders in the Arab world also condemned Iran's proposal.
Said Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad, "Our hatred of Israel runs far deeper than Iran's. We've shared a disputed border with them for over sixty years. The honor of destroying Israel should go to a state that would appreciate it, and that's Syria. Heck, when I bomb my own citizens, I always close my eyes and wish the people I'm bombing could be Jewish."
Even the Iranian people, who can normally be counted upon to be forced to support their president, expressed mixed feelings. Responded Tehran filmmaker Abbas Kiarostami, "Please don't think the Iranian people are all anti-Israel like Ahmadinejad. I'm just trying to make a movie about a taxi driver who wants to save his marriage. Don't print this or they'll come for me."
Other Iranians reacted to their president's proposal more positively. Said cleric Amir Jannati, "In a perfect world, I would want to destroy Israel more, but this would be the most anyone has destroyed in 60 years. So I'm going to try to be an optimist who sees the graveyard as half full."
The one person known to wholly approve was hedge fund manager Steven Gulman. Said Gulman, "I'm Jewish, but that doesn't define my politics, especially when my firm has speculated heavily in chickpea futures. If this happens, the spike in hummus prices would make us $15 million this year alone. So I say, go for it, Mahmoud!"
Facing bleak developments, Netanyahu tried to look at the bigger picture. Said the Prime Minister, "Whichever half of Israel they try to blow up, it is some reassurance to know that the other half will still have 35 to 200 nuclear weapons in it."