The race for your retina is on! Media have always been obsessed with your eyeballs. Attracting them, keeping them captive, selling you stuff you don't need. Now with its Project Glass reality glasses Google wants to cut out the middleman – you.
Google CEO Sergei Brin says: “Project Glass confronts the problem behind the eyeball – the stupid random decisions made by the human mind. By offering the eyeball awesome data 24-7, Project Glass begins the process of de-linking the eyeball from the mind. Soon everybody’s eyeball will see the world the way Google sees it. Which is a good thing. Because we are a good corporation.”
Apple CEO Tim Cook responds: “Sergei’s crazy. So long as the mind can take off Google’s eyewear and put it on his dash or in her bag or on a rocky ledge overlooking the terrifying randomness of Nature, the Project Glass business model sucks. Not so with our astounding new leap forward in digital innovation--and business models--the Apple iBall!
“The Apple iBall replicates all operating functions of the evolution-generated rat’s-nest of hit-or-miss wetware we find two of, in most human skulls. Suspended in the vitreous gel which fills our flexible self-powering cyber-organ are microprocessors that duplicate digital elements of all current Apple technology. So they rear-project on the iBall’s crystalline iLens, any feature of say, the iPad. And with our new iPort function, every iBall can communicate with any other iBall. Or any other device Apple - at its sole discretion - designates.
“Best of all the iRetina is perceptually selective not random. Its 1.2 million iAxons – which replace the obsolete optical nerve - only transmit to the brain's emotional center, the thalamus and amygdala, images which positively impact the user’s emotions.
“Say your iBall happens to see your girlfriend making out with some scumbag in a Maserati. Our iPerceive operating system screens those images out before they even make it to your thalamus. So you’ll never get bummed at the utter futility of life and overdose on Vikes or try to deck the rich scumbag and get shot dead by his bodyguard."
The Final Edition asked Cook whether the iBall was for people who just wallow in negativity and negative images, like say satirists. Said Cook “Probably not. But remember: even if they read your satire, its message will never reach the brains of our tens of millions of iBall users.”
Benji, a part-time Genius at the Apple store in New York’s Soho, said he was already totally flipping and that getting Apple iBalls would be so much more awesome than Google’s stupid glasses. “It’s gonna be like having Steve Jobs right inside my head!”
Cook concurs: “The Apple iBall doesn’t just replace inefficient wetware. Like all Apple products it redefines the nature of human happiness.”
To thoroughly test the new product, Apple will implant iBalls in all 450,000 workers at Foxconn’s Shenzhen complex.