When Mr. Murdoch told me I’d be running this new, revised & Pro-American editorial page I almost spilled my coffee.
Actually, it was Mr. Murdoch’s coffee - a café Americano w/skim & a robust half-inch of foam, just the way he likes when visiting the building. I was setting it down on his desk, just as I've done since the day Mr. Ailes first told me it would be a condition of my hire. For 15 proud years, maintaining the great man’s caffeinated hardiness has been my own personal charge to keep.
But fans of my successful & easy-to-follow TV program know of my long-seething contempt for this paper, and its historical loathing of freedom, liberty, and Bald Eagle imagery. Why would I run the op-ed page of a paper I'd patriotically refused to ever read?
The question haunted me all afternoon during our big meeting about next month's Freedom Concert (it's available on Pay-Per-View, and our theme is 'Shut Up Hollywood!' with special guests Ted Nugent, Victoria Jackson, Pat Boone & funnyman Dennis Miller). How could I a Patriot ever write for a paper filled with Godlessness, an elitist usage of the word ‘Mr.,’ and the presence of a Fine Arts Section?
But that night, as I gazed up from my bed towards the ceiling portrait of President Reagan, I knew I had to seize this opportunity. And not just because Mr. Murdoch clearly expects me to.
No, I knew I’d be running this all new TIMES for you, my fans. The hard-working parent who lost their 401k because of ACORN & the all-powerful Teachers’ Unions. The Conservative who's tired of liberal Christians shoving ‘help the poor’ down our throats while never acknowledging that when The Rapture comes we're the ones on God's VIP list. All the Mama Grizzlies who understand the only way to save their cubs tomorrow is to cut taxes for the affluent today.
So I’m proud to accept - and I pledge to use this page to protect America from a President who’s both a sinister Socialist Mastermind and also an incompetent amateur in over his head.
But keep watching this page. I’ve already enlisted Col. Oliver North to write his account of how he beat the bad guys by arming both sides of the Iran/Iraq War. And Michelle Malkin’s set to pen a piece about President Obama’s ability to belong to a bad Christian Church while simultaneously being Muslim.
And if you’re reading this, George Soros - we just drank your milkshake! (I don’t actually know what that means, but Mr. Murdoch’s fond of the phrase. He likes to say 'Soros' is Hungarian for ‘Class Traitor,’ and I’m only too proud to chuckle along.)