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GOP Announces Sweeping New Social Safety Net

By RUSTY TRAWLER
GOP Announces Sweeping New Social Safety Net
Roll call at a Daytention Center in downtown Indianapolis. Guest #03, little nadine, has already been a naughty girl.

“So be it!” said House Majority Whip Cantor in March, responding to criticism that the GOP’s $60 billion cuts to social programs would cost 700,000 Americans their jobs. Now GOP leaders are rethinking that offhand callousness, announcing a sweeping new safety net for lower-income and middle class Americans, while gutting the huge entitlement programs bankrupting the nation. New-Deal Socialism is out. Compassionate conservatism, low- or no-cost, is in.

“Why should little kids and senior citizens of any race or creed go without day-care, quality education, healthcare or enough to eat?” said Speaker Boehner to Congress today, fighting back tears. “But why should hard-working taxpayers already stressed out by house- car- and boat-payments, school and college tuition, state-of-the-art security systems, wages for legal nannies and gardeners and sky-rocketing beach-fees, be expected to pay for them?”  

Boehner outlined the historic changes in four main areas:

DAYCARE.  A national network of Daytention Centers would repurpose unused urban space: former firehouses, police stations, industrial plant, and would be staffed by laid-off federal workers. Each pre-schooler gets their own secure space to play in or watch Nickelodeon, till Mom returns. Optional extras include toys, food, blankies, sedatives.       

EDUCATION.  Congress would pass the Slow Child Left Behind Act mandating that it’s kinder for under-achieving children to be shunted to a ‘slow track’ and not deprive ‘faster’ kids of scarce education funds. Republican educators see scores rising sharply without the drag of slow kids, while high-school student enrollment will plummet meaning more ‘dollars per scholar’ Slow kids avoid wasted years in futile pursuit of literacy and numeracy, rotating early out of the educational system, to get a jumpstart on exciting military careers in the ranks of the Catering Corps, the Tailoring Corps, the Latrine Corps etc.

HEALTHCARE.  Medicare would be abolished entirely and replaced with MediPrayer  a faith-based system of healing and treatment developed in conjunction with Southern Baptist, Pentecostal and Evangelical megachurches. Traditional prayerful requests to the Almighty would be upgraded by medical professionals stating in a given mediprayer, the patient’s medical history, the exact diagnosis of the ailment and symptoms  thus focusing His attention with laser-like precision on a cure. GOP medical consultants predict cure rates competitive with or better than, those now achieved by wasteful and inefficient Medicare providers.

 FOOD PROGRAMS. The Federal Food Stump Program would conserve the colossal amount of food Americans throw away (50+% of all the food they buy and/or prepare).  These fresh, partially eaten items (e.g. pizza crusts, unfinished stacks of pancakes, one-bite hamburgers, sandwiches, steaks, pies etc) are known to nutritionists, alimentary strategists and waste management visionaries as food “stumps." The program would retrieve these “left-overs” on a national scale, gather them into easily accessible urban and rural centers and redistribute delicious packaged meals to the hungry.       

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