God and Nature Disavow Paul Ryan

By JOHN MARSHALL

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA – “Our rights come from Nature and God, not government,” said Paul Ryan (R-WI), in his first public speech as Mitt Romney’s choice for Republican vice-presidential nominee.

This was then disputed by both Nature and God, who sat down with TFE for a post-speech interview.

“Government provides your rights and always has,” said Nature. “There’s no Second Amendment among otters, for example.”

“Your Bill of Rights was introduced in Congress by James Madison and ratified by three-fourths of the states in 1791,” said God, “not by me handing stone tablets to an old man on a mountain or a by using a talking snake to trick two nudists.”

Both Nature and God agreed that Ryan’s ascribing of “rights” to forces beyond government control was an attempt to justify scrapping Medicare and other social safety net programs in the name of higher, magical forces.

“I’m the Supreme Being, not the Wizard of Oz,” said God. “I make universal laws, not rights. I don’t even do theories anymore. I came up with E=MC2 and had to create frigging Einstein to explain it. I still don’t get Stephen Hawking.”

Nature concurred, adding it objected to Ryan’s conflating the natural and the supernatural to condemn the Federal.

“We are the two biggest, most powerful forces in the universe,” said Nature, “and this far-right fanatic reduces us to hackneyed political cliché.”

God said that although he strongly objected to Ryan’s statement, He would not smite him, plague him or begin the scheduled Apocalypse earlier. “I have a universe to run,” he said, “Me Damn it.”

For its part, Nature hinted it might be planning a response.

“He’s from Wisconsin,” said the natural phenomena. “I could flood his basement or spoil his curds or something.”

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