Court Finds DOMA Unconstitutional; John Edwards to Marry Himself

By PAUL SZEP

An exultant John Edwards, let off the hook by a hung jury on charges he misused campaign funds to cover up his adulterous affair with Rielle Hunter, told reporters today that thanks to the trial he had “fallen in love with myself all over again” He plans to get married to himself as soon as possible.

“Look - I’ve had my doubts over the last couple of years,” Edwards said, “that I wasn’t as terrific a person as I thought. I asked myself: was my word as good as I said it was? Was I fun to be with anymore? Sometimes I wondered what I’d seen in myself all those years. Was it possible that I was what the prosecutors and you gentlemen of the press said I was: a worthless faithless philanderer with the morals of sewer rat? There were times when I cried myself to sleep wondering if I was headed for a permanent split with the John Edwards I’d once loved with all my heart.”

“But my performance during this trial, my determination, my patience with the scurrilous personal attacks, my grace under pressure, my unquestioning sympathy for my cause, above all my undying loyalty to myself, has brought me back from the brink.

“I now know what deep down I knew all along, that I am a marvelous human being, kind, caring, thoughtful, entertaining, and as beautiful inside as out. I’m the only man for me! I’m the person I want to spend the rest of my life with!”

Edwards said he'd celebrate his wedding to himself in one of the states that permits same-sex marriage, probably New York or Massachusetts. “Whoever will have us!” smiled the happy ex-Vice-Presidential candidate, shyly showing reporters the engagement ring he’d given himself at dinner the night before.