In a move that took both Wall Street, and Main Street USA, by surprise, the world’s largest nation has announced the acquisition of the world’s largest retailer. The Beijing-based People’s Republic of China will acquire the Bentonville Arkansas-based Wal-Mart in straight swap of US Federal debt for the retailer’s outstanding stock. The transaction is expected to close immediately, and will result in the renaming of all 8,500 Wal-Mart stores as “Great Wall Mart”, and the rebranding of the retailer’s Sam’s Club outlets as “Mao’s Club.”
“It’s long been time for China to take its rightful place on the world stage of mass-market retailing hegemony”, said Chinese Prime Minister Wen Jiabao, who will take on the additional title of CEO/Party Chief of the combined operations. “We intend follow in the spiritual footsteps of our visionary forefathers, Sam Walton and Mao Tse-tung”, said Mr. Wen, in a live broadcast from the company’s new headquarters in the Shenzhen. “Sam gave us ‘Low Prices’, and Mao introduced the concept of ‘Dījià lèsèràng qúnzhòng mǎnyì,” (低价垃圾让群众满意)which, translated literally, means ‘cheap crap to keep the masses happy.’”
Speaking on behalf of the Obama administration, the U.S. Secretary of Commerce, Gary Locke explained that “The deal had been a long time in coming. We’d been desperate to find a way to reduce the US debt held by China. We offered them GM (General Motors), but they said ‘No deal.’ We offered them Goldman Sachs and General Electric, but they refused to go into business with what they described as a ‘criminal organizations.’ We even offered them Mt. Rushmore, Disneyland the New York Mets – in return for a future draft consideration – but they weren’t interested. “
“We think it’s a win-win for both our employee associates, and our shoppers,” explained the former Wal-Mart CEO, Bill Simon, from an undisclosed location in China. “Our employees will go through a short re-education process, and our shoppers will be exposed to a whole new range of fantastic low-priced Chinese products,” including the legendary ‘Tiananmen Squares’ chocolate-flavored dog-byproduct extrusion snacks, the popular ‘Mela-Milk’ simulated dairy beverage, (‘Now with added Melamine’), and the ever-popular ‘Gong the Falun’ Chinese board game that allows players to simulate censorship, torture, no-public-trial executions, and indiscriminate religious persecution, all in the privacy of their own home. “We expect it to find a wide audience in America. Particularly in the Tea Party States. It’s the fun way to denounce your entire extended family.”
Additionally, both Mr. Simon and Mr. Wen sought to assure customers that Great Wall Mart will continue to offer the “extraordinary values” that both China and Wal-Mart are known for, albeit with a far-eastern twist. “We’ll still have latest in movies, music, and fashion. Fully 100% of our CD’s, DVD’s, and Blue-Rays will be counterfeit. And there’s no place else in the world that you’re going to be able to buy a genuine, Chinese-made Louis Vuitton bag for only $19.95. Even Louis Vuitton can’t turn ‘em out that cheaply.”
According to a high-ranking member of the Obama administration who declined to be identified, the deal is not as one-sided as it seems. “We received several important concessions,” the official explained, “particularly in the area of technology that can be used to promote a more harmonious society. Specifically, we expect to use their ‘Great Firewall’ software to protect Americans from disreputable sources of internet misinformation in the upcoming election, and they’ve agreed to incorporate a “GOP Chip” into every television set, to provide the same protection American TV viewers.
When asked about the wisdom of this, the Obama administration official commented, “Who the hell cares? Wal-Mart shoppers weren’t voting for us anyway.”