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URBAN ETHICS

Canine Date Rape: An Issue That Can't Be Woofed Away

By QUEENIE THE DOG
Canine Date Rape: An Issue That Can't Be Woofed Away

Before turning to the pressing issue of date rape, let me say it’s an honor to be the first canine columnist of The New York Times and a howling tragedy that my first column must also be my last.

It’s unfortunate, too, that my debut has been marred by scurrilous tabloid gossip alleging nepotism. While it’s true that my former job was being the pet of Maureen Dowd’s brother, Kevin, I had to prove that I could write well, just like every other columnist for this newspaper, except of course Ross Douthat.

It’s a well-known fact that we dogs are less inhibited and self-conscious than humans. We trust our instincts, we give full vent to our emotions and we’re not ashamed of our natural bodily functions, such as sex, defecation and sniffing anuses.

But none of this excuses the deplorable practice of canine date rape. It is widespread and it is frequently ignored by the authorities.

I myself have been a date rape victim. On more than one occasion. I well remember the first time it happened. I was cavorting with a Labrador retriever in a park near my home. One second we were happily chasing a squirrel together and then, without warning, foreplay or even a flirtatious double-entendre, he was behind me, humping away like a mad dog.

I am not a big animal. As most of my close friends know, I’m a Xoloitzcuintli, or Mexican hairless, and my assailant was six times my size . He ignored my repeated yipping of “no.” After he was done, he bounded off without so much as a face lick and six months later, I gave birth to a litter of seven Labraxoloitzcuintlidors.

They are grotesque.  Though still puppies, each one is three times my size.  Don't even get me started on the breast-feeding.

We need legislation, we need stricter supervision of dog runs, we need greater public awareness of the issue. Above all we need the adoption of Universal Canine Language so that male dogs can made to understand that No means No.  At present, schnauzers, for example, say no with the word “yarf,” which beagles think means “perhaps” and cocker spaniels understand as “I’m going to lap up this lovely pool of vomit you just created.”

You can see how much work needs to be done, especially when you consider that some breeds, such as the ridiculous longhaired Afghan hound, are so stupid they don’t understand No or any other word in any known language, including cat.

We can end this exploitation and oppression of our bodies - if we stay strong and work together.  Bitch-hood is powerful!

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