Right-wing outrage facilitator Andrew Breitbart said today that he had photos of Harry Reid’s nipple, Hillary Clinton’s left buttock, Nancy Pelosi’s kidney and scores of other salacious body parts belonging to prominent Democrats.
He threatened to take the evidence directly to Opie and/or Anthony if the body-part owners didn’t resign from their positions.
Interrupting a news conference at which NBC television executives were announcing their fall schedule, Breitbart vowed that he would never use his occult powers for evil but only for destroying liberals.
“I feel super-vindicated,” he said. “I feel virtuous. And I feel pretty.” He then broke into an impromptu flamenco.
Asked where he had gotten the incriminating images, Breitbart replied, “From the innocent victims of depraved liberal predators, from concerned citizens, snoops, peeping Toms, security cameras, agent-provocateurs, hacked Twitter accounts, deranged perverts, the morbidly nosy and the occasional dabbler in Photoshop.”
Breitbart said he had no idea how 37 of his photos had ended up in a slideshow on the Drudge Report.
Reid, the Senate Democratic leader, admitted that he may have exposed his chest while lunging for a difficult shot during a vigorous squash game with Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine) in the Capitol gym, but denied that either of his nipples was erect at any time.
He added, “I have not sent lewd images to any young ladies on the Internet. I’d like to but I have no idea how.”
Meanwhile, rumors spread in New York media circles that the Huffington Post was about to publish photos of Breitbart in a compromising position with Ann Coulter and the hand puppet from the Mel Gibson film, “The Beaver.”